9 Phrases Parents Accidentally Say That Make Math Anxiety Worse (What to Try Instead?)
Introduction: When Good Intentions Backfire Picture this: Your kid slumps over their math homework, eraser smudges covering the page like battle scars. You swoop in to help, armed with pep talks and patience. But what comes out of your mouth? A well-meaning phrase that accidentally pours gasoline on their math anxiety fire. And instead of relief, they shut down. “I hate math!” they groan, tears pooling. We’ve all been there. Your kid slumps over their math homework, tears pooling on the worksheet, and you scramble to say ‘something’ helpful.. You’re trying to encourage, but the wrong words can turn a math problem into a minefield of anxiety. The good news? A few tweaks to how you talk about math can flip frustration into confidence—no tutor required. Let’s break down the 9 most common phrases parents use (with the best intentions!) that fuels math dread, and what to say instead to turn things around. The truth is, math anxiety isn’t just about numbers—it’s about fear of failure, shame, and feeling “broken.” And as parents, what we say can either calm our kids’ fears or make them way more anxious. I’ve worked with hundreds of families to flip this script, and I’ve seen firsthand how swapping just a few phrases can turn meltdowns into breakthroughs. Let’s break down the 5 most common accidental sabotage phrases (no judgment—we’ve all said them!) and the science-backed alternatives that actually help. 1. “Don’t Worry, I Too Was Terrible at Math!” Why it backfires: You’re trying to empathize, but kids hear: “Math failure runs in the family. You’re doomed.” The science: A University of Chicago study found kids mimic parents’ math attitudes. If you joke about being “bad at math,” they’re 3x more likely to adopt that identity. What to say instead: “Math wasn’t my favorite, but I’m excited to learn it with you!” “Let’s be detectives and solve this problem together.” Why it works: Signals teamwork and normalizes struggle without fatalism. Pro tip: Share a story about a time ‘you’ struggled and ‘persisted’. “I bombed my first geometry test, but I kept asking questions—and aced the final!” 2. “Why Aren’t You Studying Harder?” Why it backfires: Anxiety isn’t laziness. Kids freeze because their brains are flooded with cortisol (the stress hormone), not apathy. This phrase adds shame to the panic cocktail. What to say instead: “Let’s break this into smaller steps. Which part feels the scariest?” Why it works: Reduces overwhelm and helps them articulate the root fear (e.g., “I don’t get negative numbers”). Try this: Grab a blank sheet of paper and scribble the problem in rainbow markers. Silly? Yes. Effective? 100%. Novelty disrupts panic cycles. 3. “You’re So Smart—This Should Be Easy!” Why it backfires: Praising “smartness” ties their worth to getting it right fast. When they struggle, they think: “If I’m smart and this is hard, I must be faking it.” What to say instead: “I love how you’re sticking with this. Tough problems grow our brains!” Why it works: Stanford research shows praising effort (not talent) boosts resilience and willingness to tackle challenges. Bonus: Celebrate mistakes! “Ooh, this wrong answer taught us something. Let’s detect it!” 4. “Just Focus! You’re Overcomplicating It.” Why it backfires: Anxious brains literally can’t “just focus.” Stress shrinks working memory capacity by up to 30%, making even simple problems feel impossible. What to say instead: “Let’s reset. Wanna walk laps around the kitchen while we talk it out?” -Why it works: Movement (walking, stretching) lowers cortisol and sparks creative problem-solving. Science hack: Have them hum or chew gum while working. It engages the prefrontal cortex, overriding panic. 5. “If You Fail This Test, You’ll Never Get into College!” Why it backfires: Catastrophizing turns a single assignment into a life-or-death prophecy. Kids fixate on the stakes, not the skills. What to say instead: “Tests are just snapshots. Let’s focus on what you’re learning, not the grade.” Why it works: Reduces pressure and reframes math as a journey, not a performance. For high-stakes tests: Teach them to “chunk” the test: “Just focus on one problem at a time. You don’t have to win the whole war today.” 6. “You’re just not a math person.” Why it backfires: This phrase implies math ability is fixed—like eye color or height. Research shows kids who believe they’re “not math people” give up faster and avoid challenges. The science: Stanford studies found that students with a growth mindset (believing skills can improve) outperform “fixed mindset” peers, even with the same IQ. What to say instead: “Math is like a muscle. The more we practice, the stronger we get!” “This is tricky now, but let’s find a way that works for your brain.” Pro tip: Share stories of famous scientists who struggled (e.g., Thomas Edison failed thousands of times before inventing the lightbulb). 7. “Why can’t you get this? It’s easy!” Why it backfires: Saying something’s “easy” shames kids for struggling. Their inner monologue becomes: “If it’s easy and I can’t do it, I must be dumb.” The science: A 2022 study in Child Development found that kids exposed to “easy” labels showed higher stress hormones during math tasks. What to say instead: “This is tough. Let’s break it into smaller steps.” “I get why this is confusing. Fractions used to trip me up too!” Pro tip: Normalize struggle. Say, “My brain hurts when I learn new things too. That means it’s growing!” 8. “Hurry up! You’re taking too long.” Why it backfires: Time pressure spikes cortisol (the stress hormone), which literally blocks problem-solving parts of the brain. The science: Timed tests are a top trigger for math anxiety, per the Journal of Neuroscience. Kids under time crunch perform 20–30% worse. What to say instead: “Take your time. Speed doesn’t matter—understanding does.” “Let’s set a timer for breaks, not for the problem.” Pro tip: Try “untimed practice.” Let them work at their pace, then celebrate small wins. 9. “You got it wrong again?” Why it backfires: Fixating on mistakes teaches kids to fear